Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
