Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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