Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
