Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
