I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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