I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
