i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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