So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
