Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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