I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
