Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
