I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
