Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
