And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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