There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
