i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
