I have demons in me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
