I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
