I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
