True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
