I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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