Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
