i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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