I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
