What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
