your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
