i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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