Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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