Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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