I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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