I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
