The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
