I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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