Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
