omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
