my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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