Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
