apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Randomize
