apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
