My hair reeks of homosexuality.
even my farts smell like vagina
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
