Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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