Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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