It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
