I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
