that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
