Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
