you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
