Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
