Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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