apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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