The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
