When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
