Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
