please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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