I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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